I got my period today and I cried. Correction, I sobbed. I’m actually sitting on the bathroom floor sobbing now while James takes a bath because motherhood doesn’t stop for infertility. I’m pretty sure this will scar him for life but so will be being an only child I”m sure, or my mood swings due to all the hormones I’m on, or all the fighting his parents are doing because of the toll this is taking on me and our marriage.
For a second I wanted to pretend like it might be implantation bleeding but the familiar signals that it’s day one of my period that I’ve come to know all too well are all there and I know better. I’ve learned by now that I can deny it all I want but it’s my period and I’m not pregnant and this is really happening… again. Another month with no baby. Another lost hope. Another day in the black hole of infertility depression. And one step closer to believing this isn’t in the cards for us and of hating the world and God and everyone because why is this happening to me?
After an unsuccessful round of Chlomid last month, we tried Chlomid combined with an IUI and progesterone. So many hormones, so much help. It had to work. But it didn’t. And now I just try not to cry. Try not to think about it 24/7. Try to just keep getting out of bed and going to work and smiling for James. Try again next month.