Being slapped across the face by a screaming toddler is a true test of parenting. Unfortunately toddler hitting is a pretty common issue, and unfortunately, for us, James has chosen to test us in this regard quite a bit recently. It’s basically his response when he doesn’t get his way and it’s beyond frustrating. Not only does it often hurt and shock (and honestly, does anyone enjoy getting slapped across the face?), but it’s also scary — it makes me worry our child will be violent with other kids or caregivers as well. And James has slapped Dakota before too — in fact, he’s started hitting her a lot recently when she does something like eat the food he’s “cooking”, which is probably a good lesson for her to learn, but I don’t want him hitting period. Plus, if he ever does it to a less sweet dog than Dakota, he could get bit. Bottom line: I don’t want him hitting anyone or anything.
The trouble is it’s really hard to stop toddler hitting because they’re still so young and not in control of much of their behavior and hitting is often an impulse or reaction. For James, he’ll get so frustrated and angry that he needs to let it out, and because he often catches me by surprise, he knows that a slap will get a reaction. I know this behavior needs to be nipped in the bud, but how do you stop a toddler from hitting? I’ve basically spent the last few weeks researching and experimenting and here are the best solutions I’ve found for toddler hitting, though full-disclosure: We are still not totally there with James. BUT we have seen the frequency of his hitting diminish and he’ll even stop himself like make the gesture to hit and then stop, so I know we’re making progress (though poor Dakota still gets wailed on when she steals his food).
Figure out the triggers
An important way to prevent toddler hitting is to identify the things that set them off in the first place, whether that’s when they’re overtired, overstimulated, hungry, or having trouble with sharing or transitions. James gets really angry when he doesn’t get his way and he’s not sure how to let out his emotions. Some of that is my fault. I will abruptly turn off Moana (his current favorite show) or he’ll be playing and not coming to the bath, so I’ll just pick him up and bring him to the bathroom after a few failed attempts at coaxing him over. It’s this total loss of control and forcing him to do something he doesn’t necessarily want to do that drives him nuts. I’m trying to learn to be more patient (although sometimes that doesn’t work) and to ease transitions so they’re not so abrupt and he feels a better sense of control. Giving him one and five minute warnings helps since he gets those at school. Also, not letting him get roped into a video or movie before I know we need to bathe him or get ready to leave (even if I could really use those 20 minutes to get ready myself). I’m also trying to get him excited about the transitions like offering to let him bring something in the bath or go in myself so we can take one together. Another important tactic is connecting with him before trying to get him to do things. Often, I find that I’m doing something else and then come over and try to get him to comply with something not fun, like a bath or getting ready for school. If I take a few minutes first to get down and play with him or read him a story, he’s more likely to comply and less likely to hit or get violent when he doesn’t get his way.
Stop them before they swing
Now that I’m getting better at identifying triggers, I’ve gotten better at figuring out when James is about to hit, and in those cases, I try to say “I will not let you hit” before he swings and to grab his arms if he starts swinging. This doesn’t always work, but I think often, his hitting is almost an instinct and this helps him stop and regroup for a second. Sometimes he’ll still decide to hit anyway, but at least it makes it more of a conscious decision and I’ve stopped him from hurting anyone (including me).
Tell them you won’t let them hit
I always say “I won’t let you hit” so the boundary is clear. Often kids turn to hitting and kicking when they feel out of control. Even though they’re fighting us, they want to know someone is in control and can handle their emotions. By saying “I won’t let you hit”, I’m letting him know that I’m going to stop him and that I’m in charge and can handle his feelings even if he can’t. It’s also a clear directive to a child who, at this point, is out of control and needs help regaining that control over his body.
Label their emotions and show you understand why they’re mad
While this doesn’t always stop the tantrum and toddler hitting, I like to let James know that I understand that he’s angry and frustrated. I’ll say something like “James wants to watch Elmo” or “James no dress” to show in concise language that I understand what he wants and why he’s upset. It doesn’t mean that it changes what will happen, but it helps him to stop and know I’m not ignoring him, that he’s understood, and that he does have some control. Then I’ll say something like I know it’s frustrating or it makes you angry when TK and then reiterate but you can’t hit.
Explain that hitting hurts and demonstrate how to touch gently
Sometimes James gets really excited and might hit out of excitement or wanting attention, so if the toddler hitting feels more like an attention grab or out of excitement, I’ll tell him that hitting hurts and demonstrate how to touch gently instead. If he’s tantruming and lost control, I’ll usually wait until he’s calm before talking about hitting and helping him to come up with other ideas to do when he’s angry.
Hold their arms
Sometimes James is so angry and frustrated that he gets physical. The words don’t come easily and he has no control over what is happening or in getting what he wants. When he’s started hitting and tantruming, I’ll pick him up and hold him tight, holding his arms so he can’t slap. Sometimes I get slapped in the process of all this, but this helps calm his body and often it’s clear he really just needs a hug and cuddle.
Remove them from the situation
Usually if he’s hitting, James is so out of control that he needs a break from whatever set him off. He might be angry, overstimulated, or just need some space to cool off. If we’re in one of these moments, I’ll take him somewhere quiet and away from the trigger or stimulation so he can calm down, which he’ll usually do in a few minutes. Sometimes we all need to take a breather, kids included. I won’t leave him alone, because then he will get more upset. Even though what he’s doing (hitting) is wrong, it’s often beyond his control at that point (their brains just aren’t developed enough to control their emotions and bodies sometimes), so leaving him somewhere alone won’t help and in our case, makes things worse. I also don’t want him to feel alone when he’s out of control. I try to lend him my calm (which is easier said than done – it’s hard to remain calm when you’re getting hit or kicked by a two year old or they’ve decided to go completely ape shit at the most inopportune time).
Give them an alternative
Sometimes little kids just need something to hit and the best way to deal with toddler hitting is to give them something to hit. They need to get out pent up energy and aggression out. So I try to give him something he can hit, like a beach ball or a big stuffy, or try to get it out another way like by jumping or running or sending him on a race.
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