When James was turning one, I had a lot of mixed emotions, which I hear is quite common. On the one hand, I was excited to plan his birthday, to have survived the first year (and the sleep deprivation), and to watch him grow and celebrate my little guy. But on the other hand, I was devastated at how fast that year went and how quickly my little baby was turning into a toddler. I wrote about my struggle dealing with the baby to toddler transition, without even realizing at the time, he was still very much a baby — especially compared to the toddler, with a capital T, he is now. I love watching him grow, his personality develop, and everything he’s learning – walking, running, language, coloring, shapes, songs, you name it. It’s so cool and exciting and I’m so in love with him, but these years are so fleeting. Everyone warns you about it, but it really does fly by. I had hoped we’d have a sibling on the way for him at this point, and that would help me better let go and accept he was growing up. I know we will eventually and I’ll have a little baby to fill that void as he grows, but I feel like I’ve been holding onto certain things maybe longer than I should because I’m not ready to let go of my baby. I’m not sure if it’s that way with all firsts, or with all your kids, or if it’s partly to due with our fertility struggles and the fear that breeds. For instance, I’m pretty sure James is more than ready to be potty-trained, but every time I’m like this is going to be the weekend we do it, I chicken out and decide that we’re not ready. I mean don’t get me wrong, I can’t wait to be free of diapers, and I realize it’s a process and he’ll probably still be wearing pull-ups to bed and all for awhile, but the idea that my baby will be ready to go diaper-free just scares me. I felt that way with dropping the bottle. We did it, but it felt like a sad goodbye even though I’m thrilled not to have to clean a million bottles every day. I also felt that way about preschool. I dragged my feet on applying to preschools. On the one hand, I was super excited at the idea of James starting school and all that. But then I was in shock that my boy would be ready to go to school and leave the nest so to speak for the first time. (James doesn’t actually start school until the end of this week.)
With that said, I couldn’t be more excited for my little boy and watching him grow is legit my greatest joy in life. I know it sounds cheesy, but I’m sure all the moms out there can connect. It’s just the most amazing thing in the world, and makes you appreciate all the little things in life, like rain puddles and even garbage trucks, because you see the joy and wonder they bring your child. We’re planning two parties for James’ birthday. He doesn’t start school until a few days after his birthday, so we don’t have a whole class of kids to invite, so we weren’t planning on doing anything big, but he has a little posse of friends he hangs out with who live in our neighborhood and building, so we decided to do a small party with them, and now it’s sort of taken on a life of its own. I don’t mind though. I love planning parties. I’ll definitely share pics with you. We’re doing a theme that taps into his favorite thing in the world right now, so I think he’s really going to love it and we’re going to do pizza and cake. Hopefully, the weather will cooperate so everyone can play on the deck and we can do fun activities out there. I’ll also share what I got James for his second birthday but most of it is on this list. I think he’s really going to love opening the presents, and hopefully, playing with them too. He’s old enough where I feel like even if he doesn’t know what a birthday means, he’ll feel super special and understand it’s about him. We’re also going to do a fun party for him next weekend with our family — super low-key but just a chance for us to play with his cousins and get to celebrate his birthday again. I’m glad we can do that — I want him to feel close to his family and know how much he’s loved.
Well, off to finish wrapping gifts and prepping for the big day tomorrow. How crazy is it that two years ago I was going into labor and 10 hours later this little guy would become the center of our world?