When you’re trying to have a baby, Instagram might be the cruelest place on earth. It’s not it’s fault. It’s the perfect place to share your happy news with family and friends and followers, to document your growing bump, to record a gender reveal, and, of course, to show off your new bundle of joy when they arrive. But when you’re desperate for that bump and bundle of joy, the one you seemingly can’t have, scrolling through your feed can feel like pouring salt on the wound. Sometimes more like a dagger in the heart.
It’s not that I’m not happy for all those couples, because I am and I honestly mean that. It’s not that I don’t know that many of them probably struggled to conceive, as so many of us do and so few of us talk about. It’s that it’s just another reminder of the hole in my heart. It’s another reminder that I’m not pregnant. When you’re trying, and especially when you’re going through fertility treatments, it’s hard not to constantly think about getting pregnant. There are so many pills, appointments, shots, tests, periods to remind you. It can feel like everywhere you look, you see a pregnant woman or baby. And when it comes to social media, that couldn’t be more true. Plus, we’re at the age where everyone is having kids, so all my friends legit are pregnant or welcoming babies. Many who had their first around the same time or even after I had James, which hurts even more. In fact, it kills. Because why can’t that just be me?
I often think about quitting social media until I produce a child, but that’s pretty much impossible given my job. And it won’t give me a baby. But then there are days like today, when I open my Instagram and the first thing I’m hit with is a blogger announcing her pregnancy – she’s 20 weeks, looks amazing, and oh so, happy. And suddenly, my day, which was going so well is crushed. I can’t stop crying. I snap at James for spraying me with the hose, even though he was just trying to play, because I’m so angry. Not at him. At god, the universe, my body, life, because god, this really sucks.